My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
the nicest thing hes ever said to me is give me head.......please
there's just something about her that screams "i'm into chicks who wear flannel"
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
His whole family saw that I had cum in my hair once they turned on the blacklight at the bowling alley. You should have seen his mother's face.
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
tried to suck my ex boyfriends dick last night at a bar... Happy homecoming from me to you
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
Randomize
