Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
Sorry, I don't speak sober.
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
five cans of playdoh and a game of guess whose penis ...
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
We did it in the bar bathroom and the bathroom attendant sold us a condom. I love Nashville
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
She was screaming and crying about how she couldn't find her middle finger. Then, she threw her body on to the pavement. Thats the last time we buy a freshmen a handle.
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
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