I think my fart just growled at me.
i had just passed the point of no return when my mom opened my door. I hid my dick and took the porn off the computer in time but i still had to explain my day at school to her WHILE i was jizzing in my pants.
It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
Randomize
