Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
im sorry but my first introduction to your dick isn't going to be a pic sent from the men's room
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
Well you wanna do it now or later? I've had three shots and I'm listening to journey by myself. Emotionally there is no better prime time than right now.
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
Honest opinion...too aggressive to bring the funnel out to the bar? Also just so you know im at the bar. with the funnel.
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
Our sub is singing "i believe i can fly" after yelling at the class this whole time and this is really hella weird
You know you have a good math teacher when we're talkIng about mixture problems and no one gets it until he explains it by talking about mixing alcohol
Randomize
