Small dicks are the new regular sized dicks.
what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
Her sex list was a LOT longer than mine. She tried to justify it by saying '4 of those don't count because they were in the gang bang'.
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
Sleeping with random people is the same as soul searching, right? Ps that wasn't a team name suggestion.
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
Randomize
