Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
screw that ipod for my birthday.. i just want a weed brownie the size of my face. that's all.
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
She's sent me the same nudes using the same gestures and positions... It's like she has a template for her sluty-ness
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
Didn't think I'd be dancing with the Power Rangers but here I am
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
Randomize
