i can juggle bunnies
cool
on fire
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
he called me 'mate' and i had to remind him that you dont call people mate who continously make your dick hard
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
Randomize
