Should I feel badly because I just bought a really hot pregnant girl a drink after I lit her cigarette?
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
woke up to find a pram in the balcony. first thing we did was look over the edge!
And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
Our professor just said "No class today, go get stoned." A guy seriously walked over and hugged him.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
Idk. I was speaking metaphorically. Go for it. As one of your bad decisions, I feel confident in saying you've done worse.
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
i have a strong feeling that today will be a naked day for me...i don't feel like doing shit
Randomize
