My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
YOURE GIVING A BLOW JOB TO THE BOY WHO SAYS "OH SNAP"
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
last thing I remember was someone walking in on me sitting in the bathtub listening and singing along to Britney spears "Till the world ends" on repeat.
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
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