that coffee was exactly what I needed. Also whose awesome hat is on the couch with ear flaps? I wanna put my head in it
We videoed ourselves having sex... I now know why I close my eyes during sex
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
you seemed to enjoy falling down hill
wow, never heard the last few months of my life put so succint
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
Take a good hard look at your life. And the number of 18-20 year olds that you have made out with in the last 6 months... and then keep doing whatever the fuck you want.
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
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