Single schmingle. No one actually obeys the relationship boundaries these days. Its 2009.
sitting in an airport in detroit. just saw a commercial for detroit tourism with kid rock as a spokesman. reason # 1458 to never visit this city.
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
I met him yesterday and now he's wanting to hold hands and kiss in public. i hate this
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
You had me on my knees catching cheese balls in my mouth and moaning. In front of all your friends.
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
Randomize
