Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
He's a collector of sorts
Any cool stuff?
You should see the collection of booggers in the carpet next to his desk
Y do pigs give u trufles on farmville? I WANT BACON YOU FUCKING PIG!
Seriously. Doesn't matter if I went out last night, work is like crafts class w.a side of facebook
Yeah I mean its Vermont, not like id be the first guy to trade pharmaceutical services for beer
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
I just want to bone him one last time before he moves across the country with his new (average looking) girl friend.
She was drunk running in the middle of the street when a cop saw her,picked her up and dropped her off at her house. This really doesn't surprise me.
Randomize
