he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
Is it bad that on the course evaluation it said "do you normally try harder than other students in class" and i circled "absolutely false"?
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
in case you were wondering, even a BJ under a blanket on the back of a bus only lifts a 14-hour bus ride to borderline tolerable.
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
Randomize
