Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
Dude ! Why is there vomit with whole pieces of sushi in the shower when the toilet is not more than 2 feet away ? btw you need to chew your food better,
Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
She just told me she thinks she bruised her labia in class
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
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