3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
I glued a penny on the door Tricia believes its Patrick Swayze haunting our apartment. Fuckin potheads.
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
Dude, they are shaking the RV, yell at them. It feels like i'm being rocked to sleep, I don't like it, I'm not a baby.
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
I just want to be like i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
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