The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
Oh yes. The girl who wanted me to watch her pee.
we just made rock paper scissors into a drinking game
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
most desperate stoner moment might have been when we filled the bong up with pond water
desperate times, desperate measures
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
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