just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
Sarah, plain, and tall I adore you
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
Jordan and I are drunk and barred out at the liquor store sitting in the awesome $70 Corona bench bargaining with the owner for a lower price, all while passing the Belvedere bottle between the two of us. Real life. College has down this.
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
I'm hungover laying in my moms bed watching Space Jam.. Adult Life..
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
While he was going down town Julie brown, I was eating French fries. True Love
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
School supplies are right next to the margarita mix at target. Its a sign
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