Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
I haven't seen any of my friends sober in months. We have classes together.
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
I feel like everytime I call him he's either fucking or getting into trouble. It's really disturbing that he presses the answer button and then proceeds to fuck her harder.
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
Randomize
