just come out here and I will go home with you...
i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
this is something i pride myself on being below average for
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
I don't remember his name but he sat in the bathroom and gave us both advice...
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
I gave him a BJ in the shower
I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
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