...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
Anyone ask you how much a bj cost yet? That shirt is so whorish
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
So many bounce houses so little time
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
My orgasm happened in two different decades
Randomize
