I want the hot one, scratch that. anyone.
As gay men are we obligated to learn the Single Ladies dance.
I found the hair cut I want on the girl in the porno I'm watching. now really sure how to show my stylist.
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
Randomize
