You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
I saw a kitty kat get finger blasted on the couch by a Bulls player
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
I have fence marks all over my body
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
Awesome. I did a rain go away dance. And it went away. Nbd just cotrollin the weather with my mind and sweet dance moves
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
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