I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
I see an opportunity for you to use your nakedness to cure my boredom.
You know im sick of people that are still obsessed w obama. that was sooooo last year
This sounds like "Sober" Ericka. Sorry that message wasn't for you. I only do business with "Fell off the wagon" Ericka. Please pass that message along to her.
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
Would it be weird if your parents sold me weed?
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
Thank you for listening to my rant about tacos.
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
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