I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
I intend to get homeless drunk
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
24 hours later and my vagina is still tingling. That good.
shes still here... layin in my bed watching a beyonce concert on tv drinking leftover franzia straight outta the bag and crying
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Randomize
