Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
i think im in europe. pls send help
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
if it makes you feel any better you looked really comfortable while you were sleepin in the closet, atleast according to the pictures i woke up with on my phone
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
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