By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
We owe the rent and you're unemployed...you're in no financial position to flirt with cocaine addiction.
the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
Why did this happen to me why did I have to meet him if I could go back in time I never would have grabbed his dick
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
Does this cleavage amount say, “Fuck it, I’m over dating, let’s just fuck?”
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