I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
Is it proper Ass-Fingering-Etiquette to tell her u felt her poop or just pretend it didn't happen?
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
How would one go about tricking someone into chugging an entire bottle of tequila?
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
He said something last night about making crepes, but after getting pissed on in bed, I question everything.
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
