I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
I shouldn't have had sex with her. I feel that I may have opened a pandora's vagina
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
Dude, it could be so much worse. That Dale kid lost a toe I think.
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
Who knows. I'd probably only get a makeout with an OTPHJ from her so the return on sexual investment from her isn't looking that great.
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
Sex was great. Left his house while he was asleep but on the plus side I was able to get gas station food.
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
dude. i woke up on a random lawn wearing only my boxers, with all my clothes hung in the branches of a nearby tree... no more shrooms
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