God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
24 hours later and my vagina is still tingling. That good.
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
Are you 5:30 blackout again?
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
Lucky bitch I'm at work covered in Jeff pee. And my hair smells like beer because I was trying to prove a point about PBR serving multiple purposes.
Randomize
