She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
I just set a bowl of cap n crunch on fire. That high.
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
You just can't come from being "the girl who shit her pants."
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
you threw me on the ground pryed my purse out of my hands screaming " I JUST WANNA HOLD IT A LITTLE BIT". later i found you putting on my lip gloss.
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
Randomize
