The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
I threw up outside of a cab while waiting in a drive thru Mexican line while others who i don't know watched from their cars while they ate. Dinner and a show.
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
Well I passed out before 4:20 on 4/20 so I deem it a failure AND a success.
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
Randomize
