I heard it from a little bird bananas is gonna be there
Is this bird reliable bc I don't wanna be wasted running around the bar asking where bananas is
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
I'll probably regret it tomorrow. But right now, accepting this $2000 credit card so that I can finance booty calls from across the united states sounds like a golden idea.
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
Holy crap, church bells in Cibolo just scared the hell out of me. I'm pretty sure they were yelling sinner at me.
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
We are no longer allowed to make spur of the moment decisions about our love lives
ABSOLUTELY NOT
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
Never. No amount of alcohol could convince my brain and eye sight that it is okay to fuck him. I'd rather fuck my cousin.
Randomize
