I cannot find my penis.
I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
the trick is not to think about where her tounge has been.
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
They set the pop up pool in the basement-running filter and all. Drunk swimming. Come now.
I want to get my vag crammed with complete loss of every bit of dignity I have left by this man from every angle on every flat surface that exists. That is all.
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
it was like where's waldo, only the stakes were much higher.
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