I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
Got 6 blowjobs in one weekend... new personal best.
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
GOOD NIGHT DREAM OF ALCOHOL SNO CONES
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
Randomize
