Just be blunt and say drink from my dick
Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
If we see one freshman that cummed on me, we are leaving.
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
I pour the whiskey from now on
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
I just made myself orgasm twice and Laura lee hit 4 million subscribers. It’s a good day everywhere
I finally selected an outfit that says "I'm not easy" but still shows off the tittays.
Randomize
