The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
Well, you're either very drunk or very high but I'll let it slide because I love any type of conversation concerning cheese.
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
We don't really communicate like that.
Communicate like what?
Communicate like people who want to see each other when their genitals are inside their pants.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
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