Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
is it considered a "problem" when you find a pickle slice in your bed in the morning or is it like a "super-awesome bonus"?
Nothing gets me like the O.C. theme song does.
you would pick up someone in the library
besides im still about 80% sure that im eskimo brothers with jerry springer
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
Its people like u that make people like me go to rehab. He has a lazy eye for christ sakes.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
did you just correct my grammar and then send me a photo of your dick?
Randomize
