At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
IM INA KID IN KING ATURHTS CUNT!
A Kid In King Arthur's Court? Like the movie?
CUNT. CUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUNT
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
marshmallow pipe was a success. so was melon pipe. come try it
I can feel my moral fiber fraying.
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
Help me help you realize you are a moron
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
Randomize
