I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
ambylanc
what?
there was an amgbulance. iw ish i was in it.
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
Randomize
