why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
Did you know they have alcohol AND weed delivery in Canada??? I'm not EVER coming home
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
we just did breakfast shots, I have a black eye and savage garden is on . Best weekend ever
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
Dude like i feel like i did ALL OF THE DRUGS yesterday
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
Randomize
