new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
It's really sad that I'm trying to calculate in my head the type of place to have dinner that's worth anal
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
Hooked up to multiple episodes of Even Stevens last night. What the fuck.
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
Randomize
