He was all up on my grill like I was having a BBQ. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE A GRILL.
You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
At orientation, some girl is asking, loudly, where she can get weed. Everyone looks discussed but are paying very close attention to people's answers.
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
Randomize
