I dint menn to makr ut w brtendr
Wat???
U lft me at bar, no cassh for cab, may have slept with bartender
Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
Dude, I found out the hard way that she wipes back to front. I ate her out and had to throw up.
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
she is like cheap alcohol. you can only get so buzzed before you get sick.
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
But don't worry I didn't actually get stitches, although according to the health center I probably should have
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
Today one of my patients offered me pot brownies. Medical school worth it. Living the dream.
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
Randomize
