Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
There has to be a way to make college graduation in Las Vegas different than any other Tuesday in Las Vegas. Strippers? Been there. Getting arrested for public indecency on the strip? Done that.
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
at least I have the sex noises of his roommate to entertain me while I wait for him to wake up
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
I think that all guys are assholes, some of them just have less assholeish qualities that we accept in our lives and that we can look past enough to deal. They have to be a pretty special asshole.
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
Randomize
