Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
Well for number 40 i would prefer to at least like the guy attached to the dick
But he does seem to be getting proper humping etiquette down. So there's progress.
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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