Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
She's not a foreskin expert like you
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
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