my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
full cup flip cup was not exactly the reason I wanted to tell the cops when I was sleeping on the curb
He came up and told us to watch as he chugged his beer with no hands. Then asked if he could come drunk swimming with us.
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
You helped blow my nose... Ok it's safe to say we are on a new level of relationship..
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
CURRENTLY PLAYING FLIP CUP WITH A WORLD SERIES CHAMPION
My throat is burning
Thats because you proceeded to drink the salsa because you thought it was alcohol...dumbass
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
Randomize
