Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
passed a homeless guy with a sign that read "420 vetran" we gave him a bowl of bud
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
HELP THE ONLY THING THAT'S HELPING ME DISTINGUISH BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM IS THE DIRECTION OF THEIR WINKY FACES OMFG
banged a milf last night. she left right after cause of parent teacher conferences this morning. victory.
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
