I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
drugs are my only escape from this reality. good thing I got it at a discount price last night
just saw the guy i hooked up with last nights' face on a billboard. win.
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
Watching water boil has never been so amazing. I love wake-and-bakes.
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
Randomize
