I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
Got a plan. Ill do rock paper scissors and if you win we smoke a joint. Throw rock.
there is just no excuse for touching your mothers vagina.
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
he doesn't drink and he's an emt - he'll be our dd for nye in exchange for a threesome tomorrow afternoon.
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
i think the sex is so good because i get a contact high just from fucking him
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
Being home for break is weird, just had a full convo with my dad about what I wanted for dinner, while a dildo was on top of me under my comforter
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
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