I hate all girls vehemently.
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
i would hope so, cause i don't think 'i drove off the road because i was getting some head' is covered in insurance
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
Randomize
