I keep trying to leave, but for some reason I'm staying
he quoted Bring It On. It's over.
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
Just got biofeeze on my vag. Weirdest sensation everrr. Can't decide if I want to cum or cry
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
He is obviously into the really short sex we have.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
