i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
You know, I really only think drinking is a problem if you're not good at it.
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
No, I don't just love you because you have big boobs. I just wouldn't visit as often.
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
I sat on the bathroom floor yelling "hell hath no fury!" for about 20 minutes.
It's definitely revenge time.
I woke to him laying in the floor puking in a shoe. So I guess we had a good night.
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
Just a couple of adults talking about cum shots at 8am on presidents day
Randomize
