I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
Working on an important paper into the wee hours of the morning, and every time I type the word "situation," I can't help but think of effing Jersey Shore. Those guidos are now ruining my academic life.
i don't want you to think of me as your TA
i just went to use the bathroom this morning and I couldn't because there was someone puking in every stall. i'm going to miss the dorms this summer
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
I'm in the smoking section between a transvestite molly dealer and a group of juggalos. I shouldn't be that hard to find.
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
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