a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
Encyclopedia Brown and the case of the missing condom.
I hope Brown isn't a clue to its whereabouts.
dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
yep you were here saturday. if you woke up smelling like vanilla i can explain.
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
Idk how much more i could have responded my dick was basically trying to unzip the zipper and hop out
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
And to add, there was a fat guy right next to me who, when the girls would shake their butts, he would let out a shrill xena warrior princess cheer
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
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