he fingered my asshole thinking it was my vag...I couldn't bring myself to tell him, mostly from shame for me and pity for him
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
Whenever there is a ShotSki involved, I have no excuse but to drink, right? It's like a rule.
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
Randomize
