guys don't fucking realize that the only place girl like their faces jizzed on is in PORN, and that "squirting" is piss. JUST FUCKING PISS.
Haha, bad night?
Still drunk and leading the team through the 9am sales meeting. I'm pretty sure this is why there aren't more 26year-olds in management.
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
Anyway, it's clearly a shapeshifting vagina/AT-AT, which I never said I was SEXUALLY attracted to. Just that I liked it.
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
Randomize
